rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
