So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
How does one acquire holy water?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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