It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
