I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
