I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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