there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
