My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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