I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I need to calm my uterus...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
