my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
