Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
