I love black thongs
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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