I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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