I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
