Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
