i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
