Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
just tell him i said nine months
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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