Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
