I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
