Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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