I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
