i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
