one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize