Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
