there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You pole danced in your parka.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
