The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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