JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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