Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
