The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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