You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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