forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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