Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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