You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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