I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize