the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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