im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
