I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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