Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize