"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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