dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
