apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
