Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
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