I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Randomize
