3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
