The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
