Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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