Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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