So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize