Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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