On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
dude i'm inner monologue high
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
as a side note pls kill me
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