i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
