In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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