Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
