just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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