I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Randomize