so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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