Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
