i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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