my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
