You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
