sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
