we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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