the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
