tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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