He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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