I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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