everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize