On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
