I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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